While everybody’s on vacation, on the beaches, on the hills..I am all by myself in Malate, feeling a bit like I’ve been left behind, waiting for the mind-numbing hot Lenten Season to pass and return to the din and uproar of city life once again. Not neccessarily in a hurry.
So I went over some of the old and dusty stuffs in the room and I found one interesting book . Titled: The Millennium Stories by Frank Mihalic, SVD. A jumbled collection of jokes, brief essays, one liners, inspirationals, snippets etc. Something to keep me supplemented these dull periods. And I picked out some pieces to share.
From Gilbert Renault in Reader’s Digest, about the wisecracks of Winston Churchill:
After the fall of France, a significant fable was spread in hopeful whispers throughout the stricken country. In its heroic humor was proof of a deep and abiding faith in ultimate liberation by the stubborn people across the Channel.
The story relates that in July 1940, when England faced the enemy alone, Hitler invited Churchill to Paris for a secret conference. Churchill arrived by plane and was escorted to the Chateau of Fontainebleau, where Hitler and Mussolini awaited him at a tea table beside the famous carp pool.
The Fuehrer lost no time. “Here’s what I’ve got to say to you, Churchill! England is finished. Sign this document admitting that England has lost the war, and all Europe will have peace tomorrow.”
“I regret that I cannot sign it,” replied Churchill quietly. “I don’t agree that we have lost the war.”
“Ridiculous!” exclaimed Hitler, pounding the table. “Look at the evidence.”
Churchill sipped his tea. “In England,” he said, “we often settle a difference of opinion by making a wager. Would you like to make one with me? The loser will agree that he has lost the war.”
“What’s the bet?” asked the Fuehrer suspiciously.
“You see those big carp in the pool? Well, let’s wager that the first to catch one without using any of the usual fishing equipment will be declared the winner of the war.”
“It’s a bet!” snapped Hitler. He whipped out a revolver and emptied it at the nearest carp. But the water deflected the bullets and the carp swam on undisturbed.
“It’s up to you, Musso!” growled Hitler. “They tell me you’re a great swimmer – in you go!”
The Duce shed his clothes and jumped into the pool, but try as he would, the carp slipped through his grasp. At last, exhausted, he clambered out empty-handed.
“It’s your turn, Churchill,” Hitler rasped. “Let’s see what you can do.”
Churchill calmly dipped his teaspoon into the pool, and tossed the water over his shoulder. Then again. And again. Hitler watched open-mouthed. “What on earth are you doing?” he demanded impatiently.
“It will take a long time,” replied Churchill, keeping right on dipping, but we are going to win the war.”
WOODS in Modern Handwork:
Four clergymen from the same town were talking one evening over coffee. The subject was their personal failings, and each agreed that he had one.
“That’s right,” the first said. “Take me for instance, I like to hit the bottle every once in a while, I know my congregation doesn’t approve, and I even preach against if from time to time. But somehow I can’t resist a couple of shots to brace me now and then.”
“Gambling is my snag,” the second pastor admitted. “I do OK around here, but when I get out of town, I can’t seem to resist. In fact, I lost a bundle on my last trip two weeks ago.”
“Drinking and gambling don’t cause me problems,” the third said. “But I do cheat a bit on my income tax each year. It’s tempting to keep quiet about some income I get on the side, but I figure I need the money. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t resist.”
The fourth clergymen had been silent up to this point, so the others asked him what his greatest struggle was. “Well, I appreciate you fellows being so honest, so I guess I will be too. Drinking and gambling have never appealed to me and I don’t cheat on my income tax. But I do have one serious vice: I just love to gossip, and right now I can hardly wait to leave here.”
From the Weekly Review:
Stuck in a coutry village for the weekend, the travelling man decided to go to church. But after the sermon started and went on and on for two hours, he began to get restless and fidgety. Finally, he asked an old man sitting next to him how long the preacher had been preaching there.
“About 10 years,” the old man whispered.
“Well, I’ll stay then,” said the man. “He must be almost through.”
From Andrew Demes:
A house painter agreed to paint the local church for a nominal fee. To keep expenses at a minimum, he diluted the water-based paint up a little too much. He was clinging to the steeple when a sudden thunderstorm washed all the paint off the surfaces he had completed. From out of the dark clouds, amid the thunder and lightning, came a booming voice: “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”
This brilliance is from an unknown author:
ABRAHAM LINCOLN NEVER QUIT
1816 – His family were forced out of their home.
1818 – His mother died.
1831 – He failed in business.
1832 – He ran for Illinois state legislature and lost. He also lost his job and was refused entry to law school.
1833 – Borrowed money to start a business. Failed and he spent 17 years of his life repaying the debt.
1834 – He ran for state legislature and won.
1835 – Was engaged to be married; his sweetheart died; his heart was broken
1836 – Had a total nervous breakdown and was bedridden for six months.
1838 – Tried to become speaker of the state legislature – and was defeated.
1840 – Sought to become an elector – and was defeated.
1843 – Ran for Congress – and lost.
1846 – Ran for Congress – and won.
1848 – Ran for re-election to Congress – and lost.
1849 – Sought the job of land officer in Illinois – and was rejected.
1854 – Ran for US Senate – and lost.
1856 – Sought vice presidential nomination at his party’s national convention – and got less than 100 votes.
1858 – Ran for US Senate again – and lost again.
1860 – Elected President of the United States.
Another encouragement from Louis Nizer in “Pageant”:
Don’t think that you are either too young or too old to do great things. Jefferson was 33 when he drafted the Declaration of Independence. Benjamin Franklin was 26 when he wrote Poor Richard’s Almanac. Charles Dickens was 25 when he wrote Oliver Twist. McCormick was 23 when he invented the reaper. Newton was 24 when he formulated the law of gravity.
But here is the opposite side of the story:
Emmanuel Kant was 74 when he wrote his deepest philosophical works. Verdi was 84 when he composed the Ave Maria. Goethe was 80 when he completed Faust. Tennyson was 80 when he wrote Crossing the Bar. Sculptor Michelangelo completed his greatest work at 87. titian at 98 painted the historic Battle of Lepanto. Chief Justice Holmes at 90 still wrote brilliant opinions.